Beard Q&A

  • Why beards?

A Beard is one of the greatest things a man can ‘own.’ It costs nothing, you don’t have to do anything to have one, and it’s a great way to prove you’re a man.

Shaving is a hassle. It makes your skin itchy and can increase the number of zits on your face. Ever see a guy with a beard that has zits ? nope. They’re under the beard! Unless they’re on his nose and forehead. But either way, he has less visible zits if he sports a beard.

  • Is it spiritual?

Yes. Beard growing is zen. It requires patience and no-mind in order to get past the initial itch and it is a method of escape from the everyday toil of a shave.

  • Q: Can things get lost in my beard?
A: Things can get lost anywhere, including in your beard. I’ve lost my keys countless times in my beard, as well as numerous Cheetos.
  • Q: How will I know if beards are in style?
A: Beards are always in style.  Almost every great man who has stood out as an individual in our culture has had a beard.  It is his defiance of culture and conformity that makes society a greater place after his time and efforts while active with his beard.
  • Q: If I grow a beard, is it guaranteed that I will be famous?
A: It’s like Pascal’s Wager.  If you grow a beard, you must also accomplish something awesome.  But if you do not grow a beard, you will probably not accomplish anything awesome.
  • Q: Why do beard growers accomplish so much more?
A: Think of the time and mental energy saved.  If shaving takes 1 minutes every day, that’s over an hour every week, and over 60 hours a year!  Just think of the masterpieces you could create in that time!  You could even spend 60 hours just polishing up that book of yours, and turning a mediocre collection of sentences and half-witted thoughts into a ingeniously cohesive literary masterwork!
  • Q: Should women grow their beards?
A: Grow ’em if ya got ’em, boys!  Er, um, ladies!  It probably will never be attractive for a woman to have a beard, but it certainly will be unique, and if a person wishes to express themselves through their facial hair, we say “you go girl”!
  • Q: I want to grow a beard but I fear I will cannot not live up to the expectations of those that have gone before me.
A: No worries.  Bearded people’s accomplishments come in all shapes and sizes, ranging from the all conquering and the all knowing to the (swamp/forest/street)hermit.  Gods, the makers of everything, have beards, and so do homeless, the owners of nothing.
  • Q: I’m afraid of being outcast by society and its norms. Is this normal?
A: That’s the point.  By accepting the task before you, you are showing that you have the inner strength and resolution to cast off the bounds of a society that would limit you.  Depending on where you are located, you will likely stick out in a crowd, and hear people call you “Jesus” regularly.  Some people will stop and ask to take your picture.  Always agree.  And your mom will never stop complaining and telling you how handsome you’d be without a beard…this is most annoying.
  • Q: Does it get itchy?
A: Yes.*
  • Q: Will girls think it’s sexy?
Depends on the girl. Some go crazy for it, some say, “shave that off yo’ face.” If this is the case, definitely make sure she isn’t holding a double standard and has a nice landing strip shaved down there for yo’ dick. There’s nothing worse than a pussy beard(except a butthole beard. However, they often travel together).
  • Q: Does having a beard make me into an expert on something?

A: Generally speaking, yes. You have many more opportunities to stroke a warm beard and many believe that you become smarter while stroking said beard. To stroke a clean shaven face looks awkward, egotistical, and in some countries, downright rude.

  • Q: Should I eat certain foods to get a thicker, fuller beard?

A: Generally, eating a diet of fatty foods will help gain a thicker beard, though “science” may disagree. If you find yourself in a harbor full of newborn seal pups, do your best to bring a few back to put in the freezer for a great beard sheen all winter long! Boil the seal fat for at least 45 minutes to kill any parasites it might be harboring. Also, seal fat can be used as a supplement light source should you have a flint handy.

  • Q: Why should I care about your stupid beards? Nothing on this site is helpful, cool, funny, or insightful.

A: You’re a jerk. Lay off the negativity and you’ll be a happy person. Continue down the path you’re on and there’s nothing but ruin and destruction.

  • Q: Will growing a beard get me laid?

A: Slow your roll, pilgrim. A classy lady won’t put out until you get married, beard or no beard. Just remember that when you’re sitting in your basement playing D&D while stroking that long raccoon tail attached to your face.

*that is why it is proper to grow one’s nails in conjunction with one’s beard.
You will need the reach if you want to get those hard to scratch places. There is the misconception of crazies who don’t have good hygiene because their hair and nails go unattended to. This is incorrect. These people are in a constant battle for comfort already, without the judgment of the ignorant. You will need the reach if you want to get those hard to scratch places. Note that after long periods of being high on crack, one’s beard will grow in, causing a tremendous neck itch.


One response to “Beard Q&A

  1. i like it…spell check u bastards

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