Author Archives: Johnny Sanford

Beard of the Week


Beards at the Aquarium: Tasteful or Tasteless?

The aquarium can be a fascinating place.  When I went to one, I saw lots of sights.    It reminded me that we are not alone in this bearded universe.  We aren’t even alone on this planet.  We aren’t even alone when put against things that you would never have expected to grow beards.  Surprisingly, our nether neighbors have sprouted many a fine whisker. Continue reading


Does a beard look good without a full head of hair? Despite what your friends in the pen think, the answer is no.

There have always been a few people that like that beard/cueball look, but this is decidedly uncool. That is, unless you are into being a Nazi. Undoubtedly, this is still uncool.

The latest celeb to consider this shaved-head/beard trend has been our Friend John Travolta, but he gets away with it (just barely) by opting for a goatee.

So don’t try this at home. Period.

The Great Shave

By Stephen Q. Buckley

Whether you believe in global warming or not, mother nature teased upstate New York with temps in the low 70’s this past weekend.  Although I spent a majority of my weekend indoors writing a paper , I managed to make it outside for a short run (for those that enjoy free nights and weekend’s avoid law school).  I enjoy drinking and smoke, which really hurts my ability to run (personally I like to think running hurts my ability to smoke and drink).  After two miles, I was a sweaty mess (insert picture of James Gandolfini on the beach chasing down the ice cream truck on a sunny 90 degree day).
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Beards that Drive you Loco: The Case of Jaoquin Phoenix

“You’ve got a nice beard going…are you pleased about it?”
“I’m not here for you to make me feel weird about it.”
“I can’t be the first person to make you feel weird about it.”
“No. I guess not.”

Thus spoke Jaoquin Pheonix, a mere year ago on the David Letterman Show, proving that sometimes beards can drive you bananas. The case in point is that instead of loathing his own beard, Pheonix should have embraced it with the warm, fuzzy feeling of the beard itself. Here’s a reimagined version of the conversation between Letterman and Pheonix.
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Avatar: Where are the Beards?

By: Anonymous Bearded Na’vi

Greetings, people of Earth. Just got a bootleg copy of your epic sci-fi thriller Avatar from the local Oelnor market. You know the movie, the one that features the prominent destruction of our planet, native culture and sacred Mother Tree?

Yeah, that one.

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Wooly Willy, An American Classic

We salute you, Wooly Willy

Sure, at twenty-something years old, A Wooly Willy sounds more like a depraved sex act, like Canada’s History, but many of us might remember it from days of our childhood. My first contact with Willy occurred somewhere in my pre-teen years, at a school fair where we would get prizes for tickets won at carnival games inside the gymnasium. When I won a couple tickets, never more than say 10 because my parents were so cheap, I would take them to the front desk where cool skateboards, inflatable plastic guitars and a few other odds and ends lay. “Can I get the skateboard?” I would naively ask. “If you got 200 tickets you can have the skateboard.” They would respond.
“I’ve got ten.”
“All you can get is a Wooly Willy or a lollypop ring.”
Hmm. Not a hard choice.

“I’ll take the Wooly Willy.”

And thus, generations of new Wooly Willy fans were created. A search on the internet shows that the popular soon-to-be-bearded toy still sells for around $1.50. Its a tried and true design, with magnetic shavings and an equally magnetic pen that you can pull around to make beards, mustaches, and fashionable hairstyles.

Willy, we at History’s Greatest Beards salute you for inspiring countless adolescents to grow a beard as soon as puberty kicks in.