The aquarium can be a fascinating place. When I went to one, I saw lots of sights. It reminded me that we are not alone in this bearded universe. We aren’t even alone on this planet. We aren’t even alone when put against things that you would never have expected to grow beards. Surprisingly, our nether neighbors have sprouted many a fine whisker.
The catfish is a pretty awesome freshwater counterpart, because he will sport not only a full beard, natural, but also a sweet ass mustache. I feel sorry for having eaten cajun catfish in my life, but I’m thankful it was shaved.
If you think about it, the coral reef is really like the beard of the ocean. That’s why we must save, not shave, the coral reef.
The spotted soapfish will scrape his duster against the ocean floor, picking up food to eat for when he’s hungry. Much like the crumbs in my own beard. I feel like he’s family.
The arctic section had many surprises in store. First off was the walrus.
This is what Paul meant when he claimed that he was the walrus: they both had awesome beards. Look at those thick, spiky tendrils! Not something you’d want to kiss your girlfriend with, unless you’re talking about the kiss of death.
As you can see, the seal only has a moustache and not a full beard. Conclusively, we can predict that the otter will not take over the world with a weak thing like that. In fact, that is why people seek them out and club them to death.
Probably the men who do the clubbing have fierce arctic man beards. Beards conquer, moustaches fail. Words to remember.
The otter has a moustache just like a seal, only not as cute. That’s why we kill the seals first, because they’re so cute. But soon, when all the seals are dead, the otter will be the cutest and so will be killed too.
Speaking of extinction, the arctic section had an igloo complete with an eskimo! He came out to say hi. Surprisingly, this native-american human species usually does not sport beards, but he’s had a genetic change of heart since living on his brand-new economy-sized reservation plot. I tried to make some small talk, but he only wanted to talk about the trail of frozen tears, so I left without saying goodbye.
Just when you thought it was as good as it can get, the universe proves us insignificant.
Algea can grow as a beard. The spectacular bearded algea is so awesome, there is actually a movement to destroy it. If you run a search for beard algea, all you can find is treatments to kill it off. Unbelievable, it’s like a genocide against awesomeness.
All in all, I had a fun and informative time at the aquarium, but was disappointed in the seafood section of the cafeteria. 8/10 stars.