Beards that Drive you Loco: The Case of Jaoquin Phoenix

“You’ve got a nice beard going…are you pleased about it?”
“I’m not here for you to make me feel weird about it.”
“I can’t be the first person to make you feel weird about it.”
“No. I guess not.”

Thus spoke Jaoquin Pheonix, a mere year ago on the David Letterman Show, proving that sometimes beards can drive you bananas. The case in point is that instead of loathing his own beard, Pheonix should have embraced it with the warm, fuzzy feeling of the beard itself. Here’s a reimagined version of the conversation between Letterman and Pheonix.

“Hey Dave, good to see ya!” {Jaoquin takes gum out of mouth and removes douchebag glasses}
“Whoa! That’s quite the beard you got there, Jaoquin!”
“Sure is, Dave. I’m Italian, so it’s actually a five o’clock shadow.”
{Audience laughs}
“Is it itchy?”
“Fuck yes, it’s itchy. The goddamn thing feels like it’s a nest of red ants.”
{Audience laughs}
“So this movie you have coming out, Two lovers…”
“You want to talk about the movie? I thought the beard was a bit more interesting…”
{Audience laughs, stealing the third laugh from Letterman}
“Sure…we can go back to the beard…”
“I swear Dave, my last girlfriend had a bush bigger than this…
{Audience laughs}…I tried to talk her out of it, but then I just decided to grow out my pubes so when we f*ck its like watching chia pets dance.{Audience laughs}
“Too much information, Phoenix. Let’s get back to “Two Lovers.”
“We just did! Ba Da Bing!” {Audience laughs}
“…So, are rumors true that this is your last film? Are you really quitting acting, Jaoquin?”
“Sadly, yes…{Audience coos} My new hobby is actually hiphop.”
“Really? Could you show us some of your skills?”
“I’d love to!”
{Audience is silent as Jaoquin gets ready. Paul Shaeffer’s drummer begins a simple beat to rap to}

“Well, I’m bored and I’m sure that you’re floored to hear
I threw out my last comb and I’ve grown a beard
It’s not the very first time I’ve looked this wierd
It’s just the stylist in the back had a heart attack.
Don’t be shy David Letterman, put out your hand
Into this beard is the promised land.”

Audience goes wild.
“Well, folks, you’ve seen it herefirst, Jaoquin Pheonix is coming out with a rap album. More with him when we get back.”

Cut To: March 2010. Pheonix’debut hip hop album Beard is released on SubPop Records, the first album since Nirvana’s Bleach by Subpop to reach #1 on the Billboard Top 100.

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