Avatar: Where are the Beards?

By: Anonymous Bearded Na’vi

Greetings, people of Earth. Just got a bootleg copy of your epic sci-fi thriller Avatar from the local Oelnor market. You know the movie, the one that features the prominent destruction of our planet, native culture and sacred Mother Tree?

Yeah, that one.


Also can’t forget the terrible dialogue, too. The 3D experience was cool, though.

Cultural genocide aside, I couldn’t help but notice the distinct lack of camera time for bearded Na’vi. Why the whitewash, Cameron?

We are a proud people, and our beards are an important part of our rite-of-passage, so why when you were filming did this go unnoticed? This is one of the most important parts! We braid a piece of floating “Unobtainium” (Called Flatuglas in our language) and must swing from Mother Tree to the Halleluja Mountains to secure the finest mate. Again, this important aspect of our lifes was conspicuously missing from the final edit of the film.

Our women also sport long “pussy beards” as you so aptly call it, breading their hair into wondrous designs to attract the strongest Na’vi to their wombs.

Again, missing in the final film.

  • Cameron, the Destroyer of Worlds in Tux and beard, holding golden phallus.

When you see this Jim Cameron, ask him what the deal is? He had a pretty sweet beard at the Oscars, so I don’t know what’s up. Is he a bigot? Just because our beards have panache and his is more of a Scound style doesn’t mean he should exclude a few shots. Just FYI.

Thanks, and ps. Battlion Commander Soexwwoaa of the Beonidos Nebula has a fleet of destroyers that should reach your galaxy within the coming months. Nice knowin’ ya.


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