Monthly Archives: March 2010

Beard/Bald

Does a beard look good without a full head of hair? Despite what your friends in the pen think, the answer is no.

There have always been a few people that like that beard/cueball look, but this is decidedly uncool. That is, unless you are into being a Nazi. Undoubtedly, this is still uncool.

The latest celeb to consider this shaved-head/beard trend has been our Friend John Travolta, but he gets away with it (just barely) by opting for a goatee.

So don’t try this at home. Period.

The Great Shave

By Stephen Q. Buckley

Whether you believe in global warming or not, mother nature teased upstate New York with temps in the low 70’s this past weekend.  Although I spent a majority of my weekend indoors writing a paper , I managed to make it outside for a short run (for those that enjoy free nights and weekend’s avoid law school).  I enjoy drinking and smoke, which really hurts my ability to run (personally I like to think running hurts my ability to smoke and drink).  After two miles, I was a sweaty mess (insert picture of James Gandolfini on the beach chasing down the ice cream truck on a sunny 90 degree day).
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Beards that Drive you Loco: The Case of Jaoquin Phoenix

“You’ve got a nice beard going…are you pleased about it?”
“I’m not here for you to make me feel weird about it.”
“I can’t be the first person to make you feel weird about it.”
“No. I guess not.”

Thus spoke Jaoquin Pheonix, a mere year ago on the David Letterman Show, proving that sometimes beards can drive you bananas. The case in point is that instead of loathing his own beard, Pheonix should have embraced it with the warm, fuzzy feeling of the beard itself. Here’s a reimagined version of the conversation between Letterman and Pheonix.
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Avatar: Where are the Beards?

By: Anonymous Bearded Na’vi

Greetings, people of Earth. Just got a bootleg copy of your epic sci-fi thriller Avatar from the local Oelnor market. You know the movie, the one that features the prominent destruction of our planet, native culture and sacred Mother Tree?

Yeah, that one.

Nice.
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West Virginia Mountaineer: Land of the Free and Home of the Beard


By PJ Buttnuckle, Bearded Sports Contributer

One of the more creative traditions in college sports is West Virginia University’s Mountaineer mascot.  Every year a new student is named the official WVU Mountaineer.  The fringe benefits are amazing.  Although health benefits aren’t offered, the mascot gets a tailor-made buckskin suit, coonskin hat, a rifle and powder horn, which is fully capable of being fired, and a scholarship (who cares, they had me at the buckskin suit). To see some girls in their underwear, hit the warp speed jump.
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Meet the Beardles!

I know who's got the walrus whiskers!


The year was 1961. The 4 boys from Liverpool England, were given a stern talking to by their then-manager, Brian Epstein.

“John, Paul, George, Beardo, we’ve got to talk. I think you guys can really make it big if you’d just shave off your beards and wear a suit. That’s how anyone makes it nowadays. Who’s gonna hire a guy with an unruly beard? Nobody. And who’s gonna buy an album by a group of bearded men? Miscreants. And do miscreants have money? No. Teenage girls have money. And what do they want? Pre-pubescent boys. And the next closest thing to that is clean-shaven men.”
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Wooly Willy, An American Classic

We salute you, Wooly Willy

Sure, at twenty-something years old, A Wooly Willy sounds more like a depraved sex act, like Canada’s History, but many of us might remember it from days of our childhood. My first contact with Willy occurred somewhere in my pre-teen years, at a school fair where we would get prizes for tickets won at carnival games inside the gymnasium. When I won a couple tickets, never more than say 10 because my parents were so cheap, I would take them to the front desk where cool skateboards, inflatable plastic guitars and a few other odds and ends lay. “Can I get the skateboard?” I would naively ask. “If you got 200 tickets you can have the skateboard.” They would respond.
“I’ve got ten.”
“All you can get is a Wooly Willy or a lollypop ring.”
Hmm. Not a hard choice.

“I’ll take the Wooly Willy.”

And thus, generations of new Wooly Willy fans were created. A search on the internet shows that the popular soon-to-be-bearded toy still sells for around $1.50. Its a tried and true design, with magnetic shavings and an equally magnetic pen that you can pull around to make beards, mustaches, and fashionable hairstyles.

Willy, we at History’s Greatest Beards salute you for inspiring countless adolescents to grow a beard as soon as puberty kicks in.